This excerpt is taken from Chapter 1 titled: What is Sex?
Why People Have Sex:
My discoveries of why people have sex both shocked and disappointed me. Though one thing is for certain, learning some people’s motivations for sex confirms the need for this book.
Unfortunately, these days, fear-based sex is the most common sex in the world. I guarantee that you, or someone you know, have engaged in fear-based sex (more than once). So, what exactly is fear-based sex?
Imagine that you’ve been single for a while (maybe you don’t have to imagine). You’ve been given no advances or flirtations in a couple of months… maybe even years. Or, maybe you’re getting over a bad relationship and desperately need a release. Sex, being one of the most powerful, energetic activities in the universe, inspires you to pursue it with the intent to release, taking the edge off heavy, negative emotions. So you turn your pursuit of sex into a full-time business, looking for someone (anyone) to recruit as your release valve. You may not consciously view it that way, but the fact remains, it is what it is.
As you go about your “business” you catch the eye of a prospect (male or female, depending on your sexual orientation). Every vein in your body throbs with excitement. You may even call it love, but it’s not. It’s just lust. Consciously or unconsciously, there is only thing in your mind… RELEASE.
In that state of mind, you don’t think (or even care) about your temporary partner’s name, religion, or personality. You want to take the edge off your emotional turmoil through sexual pleasure. That’s all. You’re also afraid of facing the pain manifesting in your mind, and afraid of being alone…of facing yourself. You mistakenly think that having sex with a stranger will dissipate your loneliness and negativity, so you sacrifice your body, and a part of your soul, thinking that all will be alright. Wrong.
Unfortunately, your emotional discomfort will remain firm in your internal world, waiting to be relieved with the right solution. Engaging in physical sex to satisfy an emotional need is like spraying cologne on a filthy, un-showered body. Soon after applying the cologne, all the dirt on your skin will still stand out, sending off a filth-revealing scent…what a waste!
Here’s another example of fear-based sex. A young lady meets a guy after she’s been single for a while, or perhaps her biological clock is ticking away while all her friends are already married and having children. Maybe her family treats her like a criminal because she’s still single at her age. So when a man shows interest, despite the nature of his intentions, she dives in head first, forgetting every standard she holds near and dear. She mentally holds onto the guy, waiting for the chance to offer her “cookie” as soon as he asks.
If the guy happens to be solely a sex seeker, he will praise his creator for this easy prey, since he won’t have to invest a lot of his energy luring her to have sex. She “gives it up” in fear of losing him, and he doesn’t even have to promise including her in his future plans. Her actions are based on fear as she convinces herself that he might be the one.
I always wonder why such ladies think that their “cookies” have the power to change a jerk into a gentleman, or a frog into a prince… it doesn’t happen!
When people get involved for purely strategic reasons, leaving emotional and/or psychological needs out of the equation, that is strategic sex. Strategies are usually planned in advance to lure the target into sex. One example is the sex worker who sells their “goods” as a source of income while satisfying their clients’ needs.
Many people believe they have nothing else to offer but what’s between their legs, so they trade sex for favors. It’s the sexual barter system, a mental game that completely excludes love. I call it manipulative sex, since one of the parties manipulates the other, pretending to be in love (or lust). They give you what you want (sex) to get what they want.
Casual sex is when two people agree to have emotionally unattached sex. This type of sex is purely physical, and sometimes referred to as having “friends with benefits.” Two people meet up and screw each other whenever they feel like it. Harmless, right? Little do they know that the physical body is part of the emotional, mental, and spiritual bodies, and manipulation of one of these bodies directly (or indirectly) affects the others.
People who engage in casual sex often end up developing strong feelings for one another (or at least one party does). Our bodies physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually construct who we are, and these bodies only exist as a unified being…there is no separation.
Casual sex causes spiritual abuse to the physical body, and although the sex may just involve some pleasurable caressing (and whatever else the two casual friends do to each other) the physical body still feels empty. That’s because all four bodies (spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical) must be active and involved for sex to be fulfilling and real.
Sex under-the-influence is all too common. It happens when two people have sex while intoxicated from alcohol, or some other self-prescribed or illegal drugs. I’ve heard of people who become self-made chemists by combining a few dangerous substances to produce the most intoxicating mixtures known to man.
You would be surprised what people sniff or smoke in their quest to get high. Drug-induced reality leads to partial consciousness, making deep contemplation, or any thought whatsoever to the consequences of one’s actions, nearly impossible.
Here’s a common scenario: two people meet at a bar and have a few (or more than a few) margaritas until they’re fully intoxicated. They head to the nearest dark corner (wherever that may be) and engage in a dangerous quickie. If one is a little bit sober, they may use protection, but more likely they’ll just go for it, again without giving thought to the consequences of their actions.
In many cases, they didn’t even bother learning each other’s names, and why should that matter anyway? Who needs to waste time on details when you’re ready to get busy? It’s usually when they’ve finished and sobered up that they start searching for answers. It’s like running a red light, getting in a fender bender, then wishing you hadn’t been in such a rush. Too little, too late.
True, not everyone does it in dark corners and alleyways. Classy people in similar situations get drunk, and then rush to one of their homes. You know the expression: Your place or mine? They get home then rip off each other’s clothes the moment they walk through the door, as if their lives depended on the “under-the-influence-sex”-they’re about to have.
They may break a lamp or two, and displace a few other household items on their race to get naked. Still others don’t even bother getting naked. They just find the quickest route to the “dark room” or the “one-eyed snake” and go for it. Why bother undressing all the way when it’s only one part you’re really after?
Then in the morning, or a few hours after the sex-explosion, both parties wish the Earth would swallow them whole, for Woman has discovered that Man sports a pot belly, wrinkles in all the wrong places, and a snake-like skin. Or, Man discovers that Woman has no hair, as her wig gets displaced during sex, or perhaps her stomach hangs over like a flabby nightmare as she’s no longer wearing the garments that held it tightly against her frame.
The first time they set sober eyes on each other, they both want to run for their lives. It was a huge mistake, they simultaneously think to themselves, as if reciting an internal chorus. Pathetic? I’ll say.
Woman runs out of the house with a huge set of negative thoughts and emotions, plus an added dose of worry… especially if she didn’t use protection. Man gets down on his knees for the first time in years and asks God to reverse and/or erase the possibility of this Woman ever appearing again in his life, especially if that appearance comes with a paternity case in tow.
“I got my first child at a bar. Met this older dude, he was my father’s age, which I didn’t determine until the next morning. I didn’t even know his name, but next thing I knew, I was pregnant. My daughter was born nine months later and I have never been able to deal with the shame of that one night.” Nightingale aged 50
Sex-under-the-influence is the NUMBER ONE cause of sexually transmitted disease globally… why risk it?